Nightmares and Silhouettes of Love
by Kat06
Summary: I feel everything. Yet, I FEEL nothing. I could be your darkest nightmare." A Jasper and Alice story. Reviews are always appreciated, constructive critism is welcome.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing and unfortunately for my bank account, I am not Stephenie Meyer. Jaspers POV

I feel everything. Yet, I _feel _nothing.

I could possibly be your darkest nightmare. Sitting three seats away from you.

Smelling the flow under your skin, aching and sweating to take it, taste it. I can feel your trepidation, the silent emotion of fear, confusion, and lust linger in your eyes as you try not to look at mine. I can drain you, seep you dry in a matter of seconds.

I could be the monster in your closet. The glow of yellows eyes in the dark, aware of your every emotion, sensing your every move.

But with a glance of her Topaz eyes, I became something new. I no longer hide from my fears: Myself.

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More will come, please review so I can know if I should continue or discontinue this story.

Thank you and LOVES!


	2. Chapter 2

I remember everything.

Everything she cannot, I do. Remember the pain and the family I had to leave behind. The life I had lead slowly becoming memories as months became years, and years have become an eternity.

Still so painful, the sounds of their screams are in my brain. Like a voice that will not fade, no matter how many years it has been since I last fed on their warm, sweet blood. I close my eyes, wishing I could sleep. To forget their faces.

* * *

Alice. Alice. _Alice. _Beyond the depth of my tragic history lies something better, something purer. As pure as something born of death and pain can be.

Only Carlisle knows our secret, the truth of the two of us. I cannot feel her, cannot sense her. Not even the tiniest bit. She is a mystery to me.

Everything that we feel is not born of situations: heart racing, blood rushing, lust filled passion. We have no hearts, no blood, and no lust for each other. It is much simpler than lust, than passion could ever be. Much more than those around us…

It's love.

And need.

We cannot survive without each other.

I remember her fingertips grazing the tips of mine, cold, hard, marble. The warmest thing I had felt in all of my life and my death. Her eyes, the color dripping gold sparkling with something I had never seen. If she had had tears to cry, they would have been spilling over.

"I know."

Two words. Two words to capture me, intrigue me, infatuate me. I became something more that day:

A Cullen.

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Please keep reviewing so I know if I should continue. Or if any changes need to be made.

Thank you, and love always!


	3. Chapter 3

No one should _need_ a person as much as I need Alice. It would be inhumane to put them through the heart wrenching fear of a something happening to the only you love…Thankfully for me, I do not have a heart.

At least, not a heartbeat. If I had a heart, beating and alive, it would belong strictly to Alice. In so many ways, why I will never know, she saved me. Rescued me out of the pit, the devil I had become. If God in heaven see's my soul, if I even have one, and if He hears the cries of the undying then He undoubtedly sent Alice to me.

Sepia colored photographs bring back memories, even though I had not forgotten them. Alice in a wedding dress, the two of us at the Opera, us standing at the Eiffel Tower, our home in Alaska, Emmett and Alice wrestling in the snow. Photographs are useless to us. We remember everything, even when we wish not to. But Alice… Alice wishes so badly she was something she was not. Longing for hope that I cannot give her…. So I silently stood by while she placed each photograph in its place, carefully arranging them and turning to me with a frown on her face to ask why it did not look right. I smiled softly, moving one picture slightly to the left. Alice's face, small and dainty, the epitome of femininity sparkled up at me with a smile.

"Now what I would do without you my love?"

I am not so selfish to know what she would do without me… I am aware of what I do to her. The pain in her eyes when Edward silently tells her I am struggling, the fear in her eyes when Bella cut her finger at her party, the worry creases that appear in her forehead every now and then when she looks at me. I am aware. But I _am_ too selfish to leave her. I could not survive without her. Or… would not. I am not sure which one it is. Most likely both…

The lightest touch of her lips against mine, both icy and soft, undoes me. Any thought, any whisper of emotion I had felt is erased, leaving me with only one thing: Alice. All I feel is her, her love. Her tender fingers against my face as she softly, ever so softly touches my cheek. It is not lustful, it does not burn with an unnerving passion, and it does not call for trumpets blaring in the heavens. It does not simmer the way Emmett and Rosalie touches do, nor does it spark the way Edward and Bella's touches do… It simply lingers. The slightest glow, small and bright. Almost how I would imagine an angels halo would…

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I know the chapters are short, I'm sorry. I tend to write in creative outbursts as they come to me. There will be more to come, including Alice's POV. I haven't decided if I should add some sort of plot, maybe a drama... I kind of like simply looking into the mind of the characters. There is always so much plot development in stories and not enough thought, so I don't want to ruin it by adding something that does not need to be there.

Your thoughts and comments are always appreciated, I like to hear the good and the bad.

Thank you, and as always: Love from my heart to you!


	4. Chapter 4

Alice POV

Part of me, whatever part of me that is left living, dies when I see that look in his eyes. It's pure torture, like the thirst you cannot quench, the dry scratching feeling, the animalistic senses taking over. Torture.

_I love you more than you love me._

I can see it in his eyes when he kisses me lightly on my nose and glances at the floor, a hestitant almost painful look in his eyes. It isn't true. It simply cannot be. How could anyone feel more than what I feel for Jasper? It isn't possible.

He thinks that I do not feel what he feels, what he thinks, how reacts. But I feel it so deep I cannot even begin to express it…

I try so hard to not be what I am, don't let myself become weak or feel the thirst because deep down in my dark, condemned soul I know I am not strong. I need him every bit as much as he needs me, if not more. If not for him… I would be... something people cannot even imagine even in their darkest nightmares. I would be what I am: a monster. So many times I have wanted to tell him of my thirst, my cravings… but in his eyes I can see the longing that I too share, and I know if I speak of such atrocities he would falter. I couldn't bear the thought, nor the consquences.

So much of _who_ we are, what we stand for not only as a family but what Jasper and I are together is defined by _what_ we are. I will not lose this fight.

I love him. Pure and simple. Without him my heart would not feel, my eyes would not see, and my ears would not hear. I would be a walking nightmare.

* * *

Sorry about the delay, my husband had time off from work and I didn't really know where to take this story.

I still don't know, this could be the end. I am not sure.

Please review and give love!

Love always!


	5. Chapter 5

I'm scared.

To say the least.

I feel my skin start crawl, the nerves beginning to create their own feelings.

Someone screams in the dark.

I cannot move. My arms are heavy, weighed down by something I cannot see.

* * *

"Alice?"

My glance moves, finally bringing me some sort of relief. How I hate those moments… Remembering when I had a heartbeat. Jasper sits down next to where I am, near the window.

"Memories."

It is a statement rather than a question. He is the only person who knows of them: my dirty little secret.

"Bad?"

I put a hand to my chest. No beat. No use for anything inside of my ribcage. I am a shell. A walking cage to organs, intenstines, and a brain. I am lifeless, an animal built for the destruction of the one thing I long to be the most. In so many ways I suppose remembering my time of humanity is not bad… It is _remembering_ that is. It is feeling that beat. The constant drum where I no longer have one. The feeling of needing breath, not _wanting_ it. The shadowed memories of shallow gasps of something glorious filling lungs that once functioned. Worse than remembering is coming back. Back to what I am, what I have been for years, what I will always be, what I can never change. Jaspers cold fingertips faintly touch my hand.

"Sometimes I wish I could feel what you feel…"

I shake my head. I would never wish it upon my Jasper to feel the way I feel… It would be adding salt to an open wound. There are so many times when I can see the strain of everyone's emotions in his eyes. Edwards concern and protectiveness. Bella's fierce emotions, never one the same. Carlisle's concern, Esme's love. Rosalie's fears cleverly disguised as outward jealousy. Emmett's brash pride and confidence. All of them in their unique way stealing from him, slowly seeping from his strength. I could not bear the weight of him knowing my innermost fears… it would kill us. Killing something so beautiful is a sin, even if we have no souls.

So I do what I always do… I put on a smile. My cheery, perky, and oh so fake smile.I giggle and pat his hand, as a mother would do to a son.

"Oh Jasper. You're much too much of a gentleman sometimes. If you knew what I felt, you wouldn't love me anymore. I am rather boring…"

I stand, my legs stretching out beneath me in an effort to move. But I do not move. My legs are fully capable, no matter what position I force them into. There is no blood flow to create that ever tingling feeling of an awkward position. It is not my legs I realize as I look to my hand. Jasper's hand, pale and suddenly stronger than I remember grips mine. Of course it is not painful, it would take much more force to hurt me. But it is enough to slightly shock me. Jasper has never, _ever _touched me with any thing stronger than the lightest feather soft touch. My eyes follow the trail of his arm to his face. His eyes, golden and magical, are burning steadily with something I have never seen before. He clenches his jaw and sighs, but does not release his grip on my hand.

"Don't do that to me. It may work on Bella, but it certainly does not work on me. Not anymore…"

My eyes widen slightly, my precise eyesight aware of the lack of his pumping lungs. His lungs only cease to work when he is near prey… my smile ceases, my mouth shaped in the letter of an "O" while I desperately feign shock and hope that he doesn't see through my previously fool proof façade.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't do anything to Bella…."

Jasper closes his eyes, only to open them with a simmering look more intense than the last. As he stands I am increasingly aware of how tall and impressive he is. He doesn't showcase what he is, but it is unspoken in moments like this.

"You don't do anything to Bella, Alice. You don't do anything to anyone. You don't let _anyone_ in."

I am at a loss for words. Me. Alice Cullen. Loss for words. More than that though, I am at a loss for thought. I struggle, leaning once again on the act that has become such second nature that it flows easily out of me. I laugh.

"I don't have anything exciting that would require letting anyone in my dear. You assume I am more than I am. "

I turn away, hoping my body language and laugh will expedite the release of my hand. His grip only increases, causing something foreign to snake its way up my arm into my brain. _Pain._ I feel pain. Is this what if feels like? Good god… It is unraveling. It is unnerving. I want it to end. Is that normal? I turn back to Jasper, my face shocked I am sure. His face is unreadable.

"Yes, Alice. Pain. That is what it feels like. I know you recognize it. I know you hide from me, from everyone. You put on your smile, your contagious laugh, and your happy façade. You fooled me for so long, I almost believed it was true. But it's _not_. I'm sick of watching you suffer, not being able to feel you, and watching you pretend all the time. I can't stand it…"

The words don't really register with me for a few seconds. It feels like forever as we stand that way: His hand gripping mine, his body and face rigid, eyes burning like I have never seen. I am standing as far away from him as I can be while still being within grasp's reach. Years could have rolled on by now. Until finally it reaches me_. I am found out. _Panic claws at my throat. Anger wells up, biting my neck and injecting its ugly venom. Worse than anything we could do. How dare he? I blink although I don't need to. I wrench my hand out of his grip, I am not as weak as I let myself appear to be. He lets me go, his stance not moving.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

The words come out of my mouth slowly but I am already moving toward the bedroom door, oddly thankful for the gift of speed. Somehow before I reach the doorknob, he is there standing in front of the door. My hand immediately returns itself to my side, as if it is a knee jerk reaction. Jasper is immense I have realized. I have been with him for years, longer than any human couple has been together. So much of it has been survival, moving, and progressing to where we are right now. I would think by now I would be aware of him, of his size and strength. But I am suddenly aware and saddened by the realization of what I have not realized about him. Emotions are his weakness, his power. But it doesn't weaken him. His face in front of mine, certain and fiercely powerful suddenly makes me sad… There seems to be a number new things I have not seen before standing in front of me. His face clouds as I stare at him. I have no idea what I must look like right now.

"Don't shut me out."

It is whispered, barely audible for even my precise ears. My stubborn pride tells me he has no idea what he is talking about, but there is a little twinge of something that tells me how wrong I am. It must be guilt. It washes over me rapidly, and I feel humanly weak. As if my knee's could give out at any second. Have I told enough lies that I believe them too? I close my eyes, surprisingly thankful for once that I don't have tears to shed. I can feel Jasper take a step towards me, but I don't want him near me. My hand stops him as I open my eyes. It seems my body has decided to make decisions for me. Possibly useful, I muse to myself mindlessly.

Jasper stands still as I try to comprehend everything that is surrounding me. For so long I have pretended to be something I am not, to feel a way that I don't feel. These emotions coursing through me are completely new to me. Every sense I have is heightened, even those already so delicate. What have I done to myself? Do I even know how I feel anymore? A strange sensation is coming from my knee's, like a tingling but much stronger. My hand drops from Jasper's chest as I search for something to keep me from falling. Jasper catches me when I cannot seem to find anything sturdy enough to hold up a unsteady vampire. I suppose I am unaware of how much my small but marble body weighs. We are back by the window, the grey clouds looking tumultous and angry. Jasper hasn't let go of me but I have no plans to look at him. His eyes are too frighteningly alive.

"I don't know what you're expecting of me…"

The words slip out of my mouth before I can stop them. This body making my decisions could also be dangerous. Jasper pulls him arm away and looks out the window before looking back at me. I brave a glance upward to his face. His expression hasn't changed, only increased.

"I love you Alice. We have problems. I am well aware of that. But you have a way to know how I am functioning, to know if I am okay. I am not so fortunate. You always pretend to be something else when I know, I can see it moments like today, that you aren't. I want you to be able to tell me, or not tell me. Just don't pretend with me. I should be the one that you don't have pretend with. Don't protect me from yourself. I don't want it. I want you. I want all of you, not what you choose to give me. Give me all of you."

If I had a heart, how I wish, it would be broken right now. I wish I could feel a broken heart. I wish for all the pain in the world to fall upon my head. What have I been doing? My body crumbles under me, making another decision for me. I am too weak to stop it.

"Oh Jasper…"

I wish I had tears to cry.

* * *

Sorry for the delay. My husband got some glorious free time and we were able to go to Tahoe for a bit :)

Okay, I still haven't decided where I am taking this. There are probably two options right now:

1.) It stays at this level and I pretty much right Jasper's side of this and see what happens.

or,

2.) I might take it to a whole new level and up the anty a tad. Which could require me to move the rating up to M. (shocker, I know!)

I am still debating on what I want to do.

Who know's I could change it up completely.

Please review and give love since you are receiving mine with every chapter and story written. Thank you and love!

P.S. I could possibly begin work on another story soon. Quil/Claire, Edward/Bella, or Carlisle/Esme?? Tell me what you think. Sorry no Rosalie/Emmett.


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